"I spent years trying to explain to these people that things work a certain way, and I did it until I was blue in the face. But it's not good for my mental well-being, so I stopped. When I'm faced with ridiculous orders and general stupidity, I just smile and make sure all the numbers match, and do whatever I want in between those numbers. The letter of the law, honey...not the spirit."
Resident: That guy that died last weekend? I stayed up the whole night before, keeping him alive. I go home on post-call, he dies.
Kilgore: That'll teach you to go home, ever.
Resident: No, that'll teach me to keep dead people alive.
Resident: I never said I was a good doctor or a nice guy.
Kilgore: Touché, sir. Welcome home.
Patient: I got a question. Is Taco Bell bad for you? I eat there a lot.
Jimmy: You're on the CVU. You're almost 500 pounds. Do you think Taco Bell is working for you?
Patient: Jesus. It's just a question.
Kilgore: Sir, are you ready to go for a walk?
Patient: Nah. I'm good.
Kilgore: I see now how poorly I phrased that. Get up, we're going for a walk.
Family member: I don't know how you guys work the way you do. How do you do this stuff for 12 hours straight?
Kilgore: I don't know about the others, but I eat like a shrew while I'm here and drink heavily when I get home.
On a float to the ED:
Kilgore: ...well, sir, since you abraded your scrotum, I need to take a look to make sure it's not extra swollen or already infected.
Kilgore: Yeah, I know. Sorry. If you're uncomfortable with me, I can get a male escort or we can get someone else to look.
Patient: No, it's not that. It's just...you're pretty. I wish this were under better circumstances.
During the installation of a rectal tube:
Kilgore: .....aaaannnd...I think I'm past the sphincter...his rectal tone sucks, let's see if we get anything...
[Kilgore watches from the "action side" while Grace and Susie peer over the patient's other side. Diarrhea pours through the tube.]
Kilgore: God, that's a thing of beauty.
Grace: High five!
Kilgore: I guess all I need now is to know when this became normal for us.
:::::Dr. Obvi: That patient's a dick.
Kilgore: I know. I assessed him.
The Metatron, overhead: Attention, visitors, it is now time to close the unit for change of shift. The unit will reopen at X o'clock when you may be welcome back onto the unit.
Every nurse, under their breath: Or you may not.