Friday, December 17, 2010

this blog is supposed to have a clear cover.

Attention, staffers:

1. Unless the needle on your patient's Well-O-Meter is closer to "going home" than "needs a morgue pack", do not tell his family that he's doing much better.

2. There are multiple bake sales and events on our campus today. You will not be able to go because your staff is overburdened and only two out of eight of you will be able to sit during your designated lunch periods, as the other six of you opted to walk 20 of your 30 minutes to and from the cafeteria; however, it was felt that staff morale might improve, knowing how diverse life without you is.

3. Overtime will always be approved, even if you don't think you want it. Please speak directly with your manager; otherwise, Staffing will be happy to contact you for opportunities as they arise---frequently.

4. Our administration has decided to abort beta testing of any new technology we plan to implement over the next five years. Customer satisfaction is a must; after careful consideration, it has been decided that regardless of how poorly new systems initially work, that  our clients deserve to have bleeding-edge technology at their nurses' fingertips. "Bugs" can be corrected as the staff integrates barely functional software into their workflow, thereby making it more effective in real time. We will be working closely with our IT department; they will be as prepared as we are, since they are receiving notice of this change upon the release of this memo.

Happy Holidays! Thanks for all that you do, even though you're going to have to do even more next year.



  1. I told you I would eventually get around to some of the funnies that I have told u about, now if I could just remember them or figure out how to put them somewhere other than the comments?!

    3 nurses walk into a room to insert a zassi (rectal tube to manange continuous diarrhea) into a patient who is orally intubated but somewhat with it. Picture it, 2 nurses on one side, 1 on the other. Nurse #1 is monitoring airway while Nurse #2 inserts tube and #3 supervises/hold (me!) Nurse #1 "I think she is mouthing mother fucker?, Yea it really looks like thats what shes saying"....meanwhile patient becomes very restless/combative. At the same time Nurse #2 is complaining of having difficulty making zassi stay in place no matter how high he inflates the balloon. Finally Nurse #3 takes a closer look at exactly where said zassi has been placed....its in her vagina!
    I sometimes wonder if there should be a study done about how many patients leave their icu fog with the distinct impression that they have been sexually violated lol

  2. On p#4: Welcome to the upgrade paradox. During the 1970s the military switched from analog systems to digital for certain command and control systems. It switched over at midnight on a certain day. The old stuff was hut off and the new turned on. Unfortunately they had failed to train all the operators. For about 2 days the whole thing was in chaos. We ended up running both systems for about 6 months, probably compromising the new stuff.

  3. To reply to Jen8083
    I have had a similar experience in the home health arena as of recently. I know I am a dude. BUT, I have deimpacted quite a few ladies in my time, let me tell you. This last time I was at this patient's home. The family tells me that she hasn't pooped in nine days. They say she doesn't drink much. I say !@#$. So I get my gloves tell the patient with dementia what I will be doing and turn her on her side in front of her entire family (because she now sleeps and lives in the living room). When I put the patient on he side I couldn't find her anus. I know what you are thinking. SCOTT this is the biggest hold of all how could this be? I know but I swear to you it disapeard. She had no butt and yet there was flat skin all the way down to a huge hole with lots of skin that I thought was hemrroids. I swear I have seen many a hemmroid so this made sense. Well I went in and she yelled out "what are you doing in my vagina!!!" The family yelled back "no mama he is in your butt digging out your poop." Shocked I pulled out to take a closer look. How could this be? The most posterior location. Then I took a closer look. Yes a closer one. And I found out she had squeezed her anus so hard that it disapeared. Seriously. Finding the right hole I successfully deimpacted the patient and left the home not making eye contact with anyone.

  4. 8083: Why do I have a sinking feeling I was there? Something about that sounds familiar. Was she, erm, fluffy? In the situation I'm recalling, the pt.'s excessive tissue made it hard to find certain anatomical landmarks. A humiliating day for all involved.

    Gotta: Yep, we have distinct lags between training, usage, and design shortcomings. There have been breaks in, shall we say, continuity of care because of it. Specifically, in fresh post-surgical patients that were still in a hell of a lot of trouble when they got to their assigned unit.

    Scott: You've come a long way from the day I asked you if you "want a piece of this"---SNAP. Unfortunately, you still have the albatross that is Shame hanging about your neck. Cut the cord, I say, and let that damn dirty bird drop. Be free. Disimpact in peace.